You may want to read "Girl in the Bar So Dark..." in the Life section first :)

Ok. So in this bar there’s all the people I ever knew 2.0 because they’re all just some incarnation of the 30 people-types there are. Unfortunately, amongst these 30 there just has to be the “Creepy Stalker Guy” archetype. Hmm…perhaps that’s too extreme. Let’s try “Creepy Drunk Guy Looking for Ass.”

Right. So at least twice a week one of these Creepy Drunk Guys who is looking for ass comes over to hit on me.

Most tedious.

I know they hope that I’m drunk enough to actually give them a chance but my one stale Smirnoff just doesn’t cut it. In fact the only reason I pay for the one damn drink is so they don’t kick me out. As long as you have a drink in hand the bartender doesn’t notice you.

So generally there are 3 sub-types of the “Creepy Drunk Guys Looking for Ass” species. The holy trinity of freaks at the bar is as follows:

Guy Number 1. The guy who comes over and asks, “Hey baby, how about I get you a drink?” He asks me this because he doesn’t know for sure if I’m drunk enough to allow him to get me drunk enough to take home and he wants to check out the situation.

Guy Number 2. The guy who winks at me, sits next to me, and tells the bartender, “A drink for the lady.” He doesn’t even give me the option to say “no thanks” to a drink because he thinks that I’m already drunk enough to let him get me drunk enough to take home.

Guy Number 3. The guy who just comes out and asks, “Hey baby how about you and I go to my place, mmm?” He asks me this because he thinks I’m already drunk enough to just go straight home. While these guys are the most annoying of the lot, at least they don’t beat around the bush for an hour preparing to ask me the question we both know is coming.

Now, depending on my mood these 3 types of guys are met by 3 different types of responses.

Response Number 1. I tell them, “No thanks I’m not interested.” But this generally doesn’t work because Creepy Drunk Guys looking for ass are very persistent. I tell them that I want to be left alone. Again, generally this doesn’t work either. I tell them to fuck off. This’ll weed out some of them but not all of them.

Response Number 2. Unless I’ve had a really bad day most of the time I don’t go straight to this response until after Response Number 1 has failed. In this situation I accept their offer of a drink (if it was a guy #3 I ask them, “how about you get me a drink first?”) I wait for the bartender to mix me up some cocktail that costs the Creepy Drunk Guy who’s looking for ass at least 6$. Then I pour the over priced paint-thinner-that-passes-for-liquor on the Creepy Drunk Guy’s pants.

This generally illicits one of 3 responses:
1. Dignity shattered, he glares at me, makes a scoffing noise and leaves.
2. He’ll yell at the bartender, “This bitch is paying for that drink.” To which the bartender will reply, “Sorry buddy. It’s already on your tab.” Then Creepy Guy will glare at me call me a “Stupid Whore” or “Fucking Dyke” (oh yes, mmm, I’m a lesbian because I don’t want to have anything to do with your creepy drunk looking for ass ass) and leaves.
3. He make some sleazy comment about me liking him all dirty and persist with his conquests.

Thus, Response Number 3. Most often I save this for when I’m really, really pissed off, which of course happens after failure of Response Number 2. I’ll talk to him. I will talk to the Creepy Drunk Guy for a while, just so it looks like we’ve been chatting it up a bit. Then I will call over a much bigger Creepy Drunk Guy who has tattoos and scars and came to the bar on a motorcycle over. Once Mr. Hell’s Angels comes over to me and greets me with a gruff “Yeah?” I tell him, “My friend here thinks you’re really sexy because he knows bikers do it rough. He’s shy, but he wanted to know what’d take for to get you to suck his---“

Problem solved.

Mr. Hell’s Angels drags Mr. Creepy Drunk Guy who was looking for ass outside and proceeds to beat him.

I can go back to drinking and thinking and I have a laugh with the bartender about how it’s the third time this month that I’ve sent some poor creepy drunk sap to their inevitable doom.

Pretty soon I’m gonna have to find a new bar because not enough bikers come to this one.

Most Bothersome.